This is not going to be an easy post for me. Please, bear with me. There's gonna be tears by the end of it.
After my post about motherhood and the overwhelming ache that I've been feeling for it, I got some wonderful comments. They were encouraging, and thoughtful, and they were what I needed right when I needed it. Especially yours, Dani... I took all of them into my heart, but yours most of all.
Before I get going, I should explain this. I'm not a religious woman. I believe in God as the Almighty, Jesus as His Son and my personal Savior, and the Holy Ghost as their embodiment in each and every person on earth, but I'm not religious. I have other beliefs, too... I believe that sometimes, for the lessons we need to learn, one life isn't enough and out souls are sent back for another round, maybe even another hundred rounds, until we figure it out. I believe that we were given intuition, empathy, vibrations, and more to guide us in each life we have. I believe in angels that are just as much in our lives as our friends, and I believe that everything I've listed is a God-given blessing. But this post is not about my beliefs, or it wasn't going to be; you need to understand, though, that it has been a long time since I prayed every night, a long time since I spoke to God the way I have been lately, and a long, long time since anyone has actively prayed for me.
Thank you for praying for me, for praying for us, and I'll get to why in a second.
More background for you: my husband is a wonderful man, but he is the epitome of stubborn. Once Andrew's mind is set on something, it literally will take an act of God to change him, he is that dedicated to whatever it is. I've seen it in action: we fought because of it, I've cried a hundred times because of it, and he's been sorry because of it. It's not an easy thing to live with, for either side, but at the same time, how blessed am I to have a man who will stand by his convictions til the day he dies? How many people are like that these days, really? Not as many as there should be. However, that is my love for you: single-minded and set in his ways like an old fart.
We're not very religious, and he's a stubborn, stubborn man, but I've been praying, and you guys have been praying, too, and a few others have been sending good vibes to us: good stuff all the way around.
So, the night before last, we were together in bed and we were about to have a little fun, if you catch my drift, and as I watched him use protection, I whined a little more than usual about it. He tells me that we have to use it, and asks, don't we? And before I can stop myself, out pops the word NO and he looks at me like I've lost my mind for a split second as I redirect myself and tell him, yes... yes, we have to use it *enormous, heartfelt sigh*. Split second finishes and now he's looking at me with those danged gray-blue eyes of his that know me far too well for my own good and we go about our business that I barely enjoy because my heart is in my chest aching and trembling over the fact that I am so, so fertile and he is too, too careful, to the point where not long after I'm in tears from it. By now it's 10 pm and he has to be out of the house by 5:50 the next morning and I can't bring myself to talk about it when he needs the sleep. He asks me if I want to talk and I tell him no, not now, not tonight, maybe later... and we set the date for the next day after he gets off work.
I spent yesterday reading and re-reading and re-re-reading the comments and my post, looking up all kinds of information on babies, costs, what we would need, diapers, everything I could think of to give him numbers if I needed to, and promising myself I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't cry. I spoke to a guy friend on IMVU about it, who gave me a little insight as to how he might be feeling, and he told me the same thing you did, Michelle: no emotions. Guys don't work that way. They need facts, statements, truths, and I saved all of my strength up in order to give him that.
The time came, after we'd spent a good few hours talking anyway (which was nice, it rarely happens these days), to discuss it and for a good period, I did fine. I didn't cry... and then I did, and I got up and left the room. I went to the bathroom and of course he followed me. I told him very plainly that I was trying hard to keep my emotions out of this, please give me a minute, and wait for me in the living room. He did as I asked and I composed myself as well as I could, went back, and we continued. He told me all the things I didn't want to hear, about how we didn't have the financial stability, this and that and this and that, but then I told him how I FEEL, not anything else. I couldn't look at him. I had to look at our garbage can, because if I had I would have cried more, but I told him how much it hurts me every single day, how it's gone beyond a want and become an unending ache in my chest and I think it surprised him. He asked me if I could please try to put it into words and I had to shake my head and tell him no. No because it goes far, far beyond any words I have. And that was the turning point, where he stopped stating facts and started telling me the truth. He told me about how much he wants kids to, but how worried he is because of where we are now. We're leaning on only each other for the first time in our lives, he says, and we have to be sure we can do this before we bring someone else into it. He told me about driving past the elementary school on post and how he sees kids from preschool to high school every day and it tugs at him just as much as it does me, but that he can't bring himself to put a child through what he went through... the moving, the uncertainty, the loss of friends. I told him that it would be 4 years before the child would even realize things were changing. As long as he or she had mommy and daddy for the first few years, life would be fine. He said he wanted to be here for the pregnancy, for the birth, for the child's everything and I understand that, because I want him there too, but how will waiting until later be any different than now? I asked him. He said, the first four years of the military are the hardest. They put you where they want you, you have no choices... you have the lowest quality health care, the lowest quality housing, the lowest quality of everything when you're a private and a private's wife. (which, if you knew the way I grew up, seems like a huge luxury to me. Health care, when I need it? For only a little bit of money out of pocket? Does that make me a princess or what?? Yeah, ask me about my childhood one of these days, it's a doozy) I want us to wait and see how we do here, with everything new, this new job and this new place to live, this whole new situation, before we bring something else new to the equation. Not to mention, we're still new in our marriage. Yes we;ve been together a long time but being married is different, and it's only been a year, most of which I've been gone. Let's have this talk again when my first term is over(we counted and he signed for only 3.5 years. It's been 1 year in October, like our marriage) and see where we are now, because I want to tell them that I'll re-up if they can promise us Ft. Huachuca...
It went on more, but that's pretty much it. The same thing it was before, a no. The only difference is that we came to a compromise that we would talk, instead of in 2 and half more years, in exactly one year. We would see where we were, how we had done in the past year, what the economy was like, and so on and so on. The yearly check up he called it, and I agreed. But I told him that a year from now, whether the answer was yes or no, this ache will still be there, and in fact, it will probably be even stronger.
So that's the results. One year until maybe. One year until we even talk about children again, because I refuse to bring it up any more. It hurts too much to bring it up, even if it's only an offhand comment at the commissary. Right now, a year feels like forever, and I know, in my mind, the same way I know that he's right, that a year will go by before we even blink twice, because they always do. But for my heart, a year is like an eternity. I have to have a plan, and my plan is thus: no more spending. No more getting what I want, when I want it. From now on, I'm going to be saving every last penny I can so that when one year rolls around, I can point to our bank account and say, this is what I've done for the child I don't have yet. So that when one year rolls around, I can point to the second car we have and the first one that runs great and say, this is what I've done in the past year. And I'll do a hundred other little things, things that will put us closer to him being comfortable having a child, even if it means doing things I'm not ready for. We need this... but the only way to get it is that, and I'm terrified of that? Fine, I'll do that, because doing that and getting this might be the turning point next year when we talk about TTC. But even the best plan can't stop my heart from breaking about this.
Taken from Michelle as she's on vacay :D
From Mama's Losing It: Originally posted 2/20/09
1.) If you were starring on American Idol TONIGHT and HAD to sing, what song would you choose and why.
2.) Take a picture of yourself right this minute without primping and explain to us why it is you have not washed your hair today.
3.) I just asked Pat to help me with a writing prompt so here's his: "What do you think about the NBA All Star game"...blech.
4.) What's your number one pet peeve? Develop a punishment for anyone caught in the act.
5.) Write about something mean you did to a sibling growing up.