An epiphany that we can't afford.

A little while ago today, I had what some people would call an epiphany. That's very likely the right term for it, too, and now, looking back, I wonder that I didn't see it before. I started with the usual little kid, When I Grow Up dreams... a ballerina, a firefighter, an archaeologist (okay, maybe not THAT usual) and moved on when I realized that I liked helping people to a nurse, a psychiatrist, and a teacher. The last one is the one that stuck with me. In high school, I didn't know what I wanted and because I enjoyed English so much, as well as working with people younger than me, I made up my mind to be an English teacher. It was a good plan. My English teacher was thrilled with the idea, lol, and I was going to settle for it.

That was my first mistake: settling.

I worked from my 7th grade year as a Vacation Bible School helper every year until I graduated high school. I loved the little kids, and I eventually found myself working in the church nursery for a little cash every week. I did that for several years and during those years, I got to take care of and play with children ages 0 to 5, as well as babysitting that I did on the side. I loved it. I adored the babies and I worked with the kids, and I just enjoyed sitting and watching them play sometimes. Other times, I wanted to beat my head against a wall and duck tape them to the roof... but that's how life is with preschoolers, lol.

After high school, Andrew and I moved in together. We got jobs, we moved on with life... and I missed working with children. I missed it so, so terribly, but there were no opportunities around for me to rectify the situation until we moved in with my parents again. We coached jr. high wrestling and the girls' wrestling team as well, and I loved it. I loved the fact that my husband to be willingly tossed me around like a rag doll and willingly allowed his younger brothers to do the same to prove that if I, a girl who usually showed up in skirts with make up and curled hair, could be flung this way and that, so could they, by golly. And of course, we were working with kids, so both of us were incredibly happy.

Life goes on, and the motherhood ache started right about then, so... maybe in about the end of 2007 to the start of 2008. It had always been present, but that's when it starting biting me in the... uterus, as it were, lol...

As I've gotten older, I've come to realize that my happiest moments were spent with babies, whether screaming or laughing, and that I've always been interested in the woman's body, the entire pregnancy process and what happens afterward. I can't see my own blood, but my period has never been a problem. I've watched countless marathons of A Baby Story on TLC without cringing, and the idea of bringing someone into this world fascinates me, not just on a motherly level, but as a spiritual human being. Now, I'm not silly enough to realize all of this makes a good reason for a new career and Lord knows, I might change yet again before I take the steps to accomplish it.

I'm considering being a Certified Professional Midwife. I've looked at the classes, the time it will take, the work it will take, and everything in me is saying, I can do that. I can be there. I can help these women and help these babies. The classes would take about 3 and a half years, but it might take a little longer depending on how many births and exams I can attend to in that time. Aviva Institute offers distance learning through online classes and hand-son experience with qualified women in the area you specify. A CPM is not a nurse midwife. They don't have a nursing degree or anything along those lines, but they are allowed to practice in 11 states, including Arizona and Tennessee.

Aviva Institute Homepage

Midwives specialize in home births and natural births, water births and a lot more, including herbal techniques. There are so many resources behind that link, it boggles the mind. The classes are all interesting to me, with the possible exception of using an IV *feels queasy*, and it's something that Andrew supports whole-heartedly as well.

I'm not going for it yet, but I'd like to. I'm interested and I'm excited about it... and I've never been as excited for a career as I am for this. It's something I'm thinking about... but the fact that gets me is, as many times as I've thought about it, I assumed you had to have a nursing degree. To find out you don't is a dream come true and I wonder why I didn't look into it before. Stubbornness? Settling? I don't know. I feel a little like I'm at a turning point, though, a door that opened and showed me a little more of who I am than I've known before.

Now if that door would open again and show me Andrew's TWO (count 'em, 2) paychecks that have not arrived, I would be a happy camper.

Yeah, we're still living out of savings. This is the last month it will be possible. I don't know what will happen if we don't get something soon. We're out of food as it is, scraping the barrel for stuff to make for dinner and I'm drinking water all day so I don't eat lunch. There's still one more bill to pay, but God has blessed us with not having to pay car insurance or internet this go round, so that helps, but on top of all of it, Andrew has a Class A inspection next month. He has to have certain patches sewn onto his uniform, and moreover, specific boots called jump boots that he has to wear. They cost close to $130 if not more, the patches not sewn on are $26, and all of this plus food, rent, electricity, bird food, the car is on it's last half of a leg with no exaggeration... all this little stuff that we are completely fine with when he gets paid is suddenly HUGE. The only help we might have is if we take out an Army Emergency Relief loan that has no interest, but is a small amount and still has to be paid back. How long will even another $1000 keep us afloat, you know?

*sigh*